Its ridiculous how jealous and envious i feel when i read about others recovery journey. I wished someone knew about me and showed me more care. At least i wouldn’t be struggling so much after my weight gain. I am a strong person and i am so nearly recovered. I am in the right weight and everything. I can convince myself not to fall back into that spiraling cycle. But sometimes its really hard and i wished to have someone to talk to. Someone who i can lament to all about sk and the thoughts in me. Its so hard sometimes having to fight that urge myself.
Just today i had this huge urge to b/p. i ate quite an amount of food and this thought to just binge all and purge came into me. I told myself that i am in control. I will not have that action done by me again. I will not let that addiction come back. I will not have that painful sickening sore throat and guilt overrun me again. So i locked myself in the room. Its was so hard. I could imagine a cut on my body. That pain would release every urge. How i wished i could tell the entire world, all my family and friends, to save me and convince me.
I am so glad there isn’t a knife in my room. And that my maid is in the kitchen. I am glad that the urge was over. But i really hope it won’t come again.
I wish i could tell. I wish i was like all the recovering girls who had the attention that they needed to recover, but i wasn’t sick enough physically and mentally to be noticeable.
Its ridiculous how lucky and unlucky i am.
Its a war in my head. I don’t show it but its there every now and then. An invisible struggle, a battle in my head. One that wants to enjoy life, one that wants to shrink away. I just hope this war will not get uglier day by day. I don’t want(want) to get ill in the head again. I want to be normal but i know i never will be. Sk had been part of life and shall probably in it forever. I dread the thought that it will hunt me forever, that i will never be able to look at food in a normal way. I hate how much that i am rambling but i am still fat.
I know what you are contemplating. Always contemplating. Always wanting the ugly past to come back and conquer you again. So that you wouldn’t have to feel so empty from time to time. You want to be skinny again. You want that protruding collarbones, that protruding hipbones. That slightly smaller thighs that you would never be able to achieve naturally.
I will never go back to purging. Its disgusting and too painful for my throat. Dieting. The constant nagging that i will never be good enough or even close to perfectly imperfect. The nagging habit to compare myself with her. She isn’t extremely pretty, but everything about her is so perfect.
I know what you are wanting. Wanting to shrink so that at least you be perfect in a special way. That’s an extremely stupid though you have. But i know how much you want sk to be back.
Sk would bring you perfection, control. So do you think she would?
Keep sane, keep positive. Please try harder to stop contemplating.
Collarbones, skinnier legs, skinny arms.
Please stop destroying yourself mentally.
Please let sk in.
Please don’t ever relapse.
Haven’t you forgotten how hard you try to lose those awful weights? Do you think it can be easier this time?
Please save yourself once again. You can recover.
Contradicting. I know what is wrong but its so hard to keep being this positive. Because i miss that familiar skinny feeling. I felt good.